Ask BB: The Right Way To Ask For Raise (And Get It!) From Your Husband.

The Official Bacon Beacon Advice Column

Meet BiBi Von Woodsbury, a generic luxury women’s magazine resident advice columnist. Like if Harper’s Bazaar had an advice columnist, that’s her. She has over 80 years of experience on Earth, and isn’t afraid to tackle the hard-hitting, relatable questions we all struggle with, like, “Should you criticize your horse?”

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Dear BB,

I have been at my job for nearly two years and have yet to receive a raise. I have heard that women are often underpaid because we do not assert ourselves, but what is the best way to go about asking for a raise?

–Nerve-racked and underpaid

Photo by Alexander Mils on Unsplash

Dear Nerve-racked,

It is perfectly natural to be nervous when asking for a raise. After all, talking about money is a nasty business. However, it is an important skill that will save you from a lifetime of being undervalued and unsatisfied. Read on, dear reader, to learn the correct way to ask for (and get) a raise from your husband.

1. Know your worth

Despite the fact that not nearly enough women summon the fortitude to ask for raise, you are not being entitled or selfish! Assuming your husband is even a little bit reasonable (these days, many of them are), he will already know you are a valuable part of the family. Without you, he wouldn’t have his heirs. Or, more realistically, he would, but possibly with a less attractive or less young woman.

A raise is not a favor or a gift, it is a way for your husband to recognize all the work you have been doing, from waking up early to get a daily blowout, to staying up late to squeeze in another Soul-Cycle session after the children are put to bed.

Photo by Julia Ballew on Unsplash

2. Have a number

Narrowing in on the market rate for being an exemplary wife is a delicate art. It’s not as if you can ask your friends how much their allowances increased after a few successful years of marriage. A good rule of thumb is to review your accomplishments. Have you had a child? Add a zero to whatever you are currently making. Is it a boy? Add two.

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3. Timing is everything

Once you feel confident about the details of your raise, find the right time to broach the subject. Post-coitus is ideal, but this is often easier said than done as many husbands are off to dreamland within seconds of the last pump. Be smart. If your husband has just come home harried from a long game of golf or interrogation by the SEC, this is not the time to add more unpleasantries. Wait until the next time he looks exceptionally happy or you look exceptionally thin.

4. Make your case

Many wives think they must prepare a detailed case when asking for a raise, but this is utter silliness. Men are not hunting dogs, they have a short attention span and are easily distracted (and sadly, not nearly as loyal). Simply take a deep breath and explain that you have gone above and beyond the call of duty. Mention a few examples (charming a potential business client or catching the maid stealing), but keep it brief!

5. Lean in

There’s a reason the phrase “lean in” caught on like wildfire – it works! If your husband is being difficult or his interest in waning, lean forward and let him catch an accidentally-on-purpose glimpse of your beautiful décolletage. After all, that’s what landed you the job in the first place.

Forever yours,

–BB

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WHAT ELSE…WHAT ELSE?

Something to watch: Pop Star Academy: Katseye (Netflix). Because the only thing less comfortable than being 9+ months pregnant in August is Heels B training and feedback from the K-pop fandom.

Something to do: Jami Attenberg is doing a mini 1000 Words of Summer writing initiative called, appropriately, “Fall 2024, Mini 1000”. Why not write, right?

Something to think about: OK, so, as stated above, The Bacon Beacon started as a satire magazine in 2017, and I’ve been struggling to land the tone I’m looking for in the Substack rebirth. Should I write bloggy stuff, writing prompts, straight fiction, a mix, interviews, or just stick to what I enjoyed about it back in 2017, which, according to the teenagers in Pop Star Academy: Kayseye, was a long time ago? Would love your feedback on Notes or whatever.